You Want to Talk About It… But You’re Afraid Your Partner Will Run Away?

Some dream of romantic candlelit dates, while others fantasize about being handcuffed to a bed. And that’s completely normal. BDSM has long since stopped being a “forbidden topic” and has become part of sexual culture. But how do you tell your partner, “Hey, let me put a collar on you and take charge!” without them looking at you like you just escaped from a medieval dungeon?

Relax, we’ve got this!

1. The First Step – Talk About It (And Not During Sex!)

A common mistake people make is bringing up BDSM right in bed. Imagine: you’re kissing your partner, the passion is heating up, and suddenly you say, “Hey, let me tie you up and spank you?” 🤯

It’s better to discuss it in a calm setting. Maybe over coffee or while watching a movie together. You could bring up something provocative, like “50 Shades of Grey”, and casually ask:
— So, how do you feel about things like this?

If your partner responds:
✅ “Oh, I’m interested!” — Great, keep the conversation going.
❓ “Well, I don’t know…” — This isn’t a rejection, just a chance to explore what concerns them.
❌ “Ew, that’s not normal!” — You might need to consider if your fantasies align.

2. Explain That BDSM Isn’t About Violence, It’s About Pleasure

Some people fear BDSM because they imagine scenes from horror movies. Your job is to break the myths. Explain that BDSM is built on consent, safety, and trust.

You could say something like:
— I’m interested in this because it allows us to explore our desires more deeply. It’s all about respect and pleasure, not pain and humiliation.

💡 Pro tip: Show your partner articles, podcasts, or videos on the topic. Sex educators like Emily Morse or Shan Boodram explain it in an accessible and non-cringey way.

3. Boundaries and Safe Words: Don’t Confuse BDSM with Torture

Imagine you’ve finally decided to try BDSM, but you get too carried away, and instead of “Ahhh, more!” your partner starts screaming, “Ahhh, call the police!” 😵‍💫

To avoid this, set up a safe word.

🔴 Classic example: Traffic light system.

• “Green” — Keep going.
• “Yellow” — Slow down, reaching the limit.
• “Red” — Stop immediately.

Also, discuss boundaries:
🚫 What’s a hard no (e.g., choking, deep pain).
🟢 What’s okay to try lightly (e.g., blindfolding, commands).

4. How to Turn It Into a Real Game?

Now that you’ve talked it through, it’s time to practice!

🔗 1. Try “Vanilla BDSM” First

If your partner is new to this, don’t rush in with a whip and a leather corset. Start with the basics:
✅ Blindfolding (intrigue heightens excitement).
✅ Command play (“Right now, you listen only to me.”).
✅ Light spanking (don’t go full Mortal Kombat mode!).

🎭 2. Role-Playing Is Your Best Friend

BDSM goes perfectly with role-playing scenarios:

• Strict boss and subordinate 💼
• Teacher and student 📚
• Cop and criminal 🚔

The key is to get into character and not burst out laughing mid-scene. 😂

📜 3. Contracts and Rituals – Just Like in Movies!

Some couples even create erotic contracts, listing all fantasies and limits. It’s not only useful but also super hot!

5. Sex Is Not an Exam. Experiment, Learn, Adapt!

If your first attempt wasn’t mind-blowing, it doesn’t mean BDSM isn’t for you. Maybe you just haven’t found your perfect formula yet.

💬 Discuss: What did you like? What didn’t work?
💡 Be flexible: Not everyone enjoys pain, but many love psychological games.
🔥 Explore: Try different accessories (handcuffs, masks, feathers).

The golden rule: Sex should bring pleasure to both partners. If one person is suffering, it’s not BDSM—it’s just a bad relationship.

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